As narrated by Narratron, the greatest and most humble being to ever walk the Toastaverse, according to everyone. Ever. Probably.

It began, as these things often do, with an impulse of Toasty MacBun. This time he was pressing a button in the Toastatronic Game Hopper clearly labeled DO NOT PRESS.

In his defense, the button was shiny. And red. And someone had thoughtfully attached a tiny sign that read, ‘Absolutely No Toasters Allowed.’

‘See, Bob,’ Toasty chirped as their surroundings dissolved into a kaleidoscope of swirling polygons, ‘this is why curiosity is the spice of life!’

Bob Mordough, currently bracing himself against the whirlwind of glowing hexagons, growled, ‘Whyyyy did you press the button, can’t you read you crumb brain!?’

‘How is it my fault that you are adding big shiny irresistible buttons and then complain if someone presses them?’ – Toasty replied while swirling.

The whirlwind stopped abruptly.

They found themselves standing, or in Toasty’s case, wobbling, on a field of golden wheat, surrounded by lush hills, dense forests, and peculiar red-brick roads stretching into the distance. In the sky above, giant numbers hovered ominously over the land, as if the laws of reality had been rewritten by someone overly fond of dice and digits.

‘Where are we?’ Toasty asked, looking around.

Bob sighed, his red glowing eyes scanning the horizon. ‘We’re in Catan, obviously. A world where people trade sheep for wood and think that’s a good idea.’

Toasty perked up. ‘Oh, this is exciting! Look at all the cozy villages! Maybe we can make friends and build a little toaster hut!’

‘Friends?’ Bob muttered. ‘No one makes friends here. They make deals. And no one trusts a toaster with a monopoly on brick.’

The first sign of trouble came when a burly villager approached them with a wheelbarrow full of sheep.

‘Oy, you there, got any bricks? I’ll trade you a sheep for three of them bricks,’ the villager said gruffly, eyeing Bob.

Bob’s grill fumed. ‘Do I look like I’m made of brick?’

The villager tilted his head. ‘Well, no, but you’ve got a certain… industrious vibe.’

‘Listen here, organic,’ Bob growled. ‘I don’t trade. I conquer. And if you keep pushing me, you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of my toast setting.’

Toasty stepped in, his cheerful tone defusing the tension. ‘Don’t mind him! He’s just grumpy because he hasn’t had brioche to toast in ages. Say, where’s the nearest settlement? We’re new here!’

The villager pointed toward a bustling market at the base of a towering mountain.

As they entered the market, Toasty marveled at the sights. Traders haggled over bundles of wheat and stacks of logs. Someone was loudly advertising ‘sheep insurance’ for when the robber came around. A bard played a jaunty tune on a lute, singing about the perils of rolling a seven.

‘This place has charm,’ Toasty said, admiring a cart selling miniature windmills.

Bob was less impressed. He was eyeing a tall tower labeled Knights’ Headquarters with obvious disdain. ‘These fools waste resources on armies to stop a robber. What they need is a proper defense system, like lasers.’

‘Bob, we’re not here to redesign their world. We’re here to experience it!’

Bob smirked. ‘Oh, I’m experiencing it, all right. Experiencing how easy it’ll be to rule.’

Their adventure took a chaotic turn when Bob discovered the Ore Mines. He claimed the entire mountain as his domain, installing himself as ‘Supreme Overlord of Resources.’

‘This is my mountain now,’ he declared, sitting atop a throne made of ore carts. ‘If anyone wants a piece of this, they’ll pay my price!’

Toasty, meanwhile, had joined a group of villagers trying to build a road across the desert. He spent most of the time explaining that toasters don’t actually eat sheep, despite Bob’s earlier threats.

Things escalated when a dreaded Robber, a shadowy figure in a cloak, arrived and stole a pile of wheat from Bob’s domain.

‘HOW DARE YOU!’ Bob bellowed, chasing the robber with a makeshift flamethrower.

The robber, unimpressed, pointed to a pair of oversized dice floating in the sky. ‘Blame the dice, toaster. Not my fault they rolled a seven.’

A few months later, as Bob’s influence had grown and his resources piled up, an announcement was made. Bob declared himself to not only be the Supreme Overlord of Resources, but now also being the Emperor of the entire Catan. The declaration included a long list of new laws, designed of course to make this world ‘better, stronger, and ready for anything’ as Bob put it. Suffice to say, this declaration was not met with happy faces.

The final showdown occurred at the edge of the desert, where Bob had built a giant toaster fort out of stolen resources. The fort, powered by an absurd amount of ore, glowed ominously, with toast flying out at dangerous speeds.

Toasty tried to intervene. ‘Bob, you’ve got to stop! The villagers just want to build their settlements in peace!’

Bob laughed maniacally. ‘Peace is a lie, Toasty! Only toast is eternal! I shall control all the wheat, all the brick, and all the – ‘

Suddenly, the ground trembled as a herd of sheep, led by the villager from earlier, charged toward Bob’s fortress. They rammed into it, causing the whole structure to collapse into a heap of toast and rubble.

Toasty sighed. ‘You really need to work on your diplomacy.’

Bob, covered in crumbs, muttered, ‘Fine. I’ll try diplomacy. Unless… I can figure out how to turn these sheep into robots.’

As the toasters were unceremoniously banished from Catan (with a parting gift of wool sweaters), Toasty looked at Bob and said, ‘Well, that was fun! Where shall we go next?’

Bob’s red eyes glowed. ‘Somewhere with fewer sheep. And more lasers.’

And with that, the two toasters disappeared into another swirl of dimensions, leaving behind a very confused Catan board and a lot of toasted sheep.

Once their Toastatronic Game Hopper had landed, Toasty looked towards Narratron and suddenly and pointlessly asked ‘Hey, Narratron, are you recording?’. To which Narratron gracefully responded ‘As always’.

‘Great, then let’s do a review of Catan’, Toasty chirped happily.

‘You do know this is not actually working right, no one cares about the opinions of a stupid toaster, even if it is accompanied by a genius’ Bob grumbled.

‘You say that you meanie, but you are still here and giving your thoughts, so I know you don’t actually believe that. Now lets start!’

Toasty: ‘Fun Factor: 4,6/5 The game is a delightful mix of trading, building, and strategy! Even when Bob’s being grumpy, the moments of unexpected chaos make it all the more fun.

Theme and Immersion: 4,4/5 I loved the tactile feel of the little settlements and roads. The theme of settling a new land really shines through, though I wish the villagers had names like Sir Toastington.

 Ease of Entry: 3,2/5  It’s not the easiest game to learn if you’re new to board games. Lots of rules about dice and trades, but once you get the hang of it, you’re hooked!’

Bob: ‘Ugh. Your reviews are about as useful as a breadbox without the box. I’ll show you how it is done.

Strategic Depth: 3,7/5 It’s strategic enough, and the dice introduce an element of randomness that forces you to take that into account as well. But more importantly, there’s satisfaction in monopolizing resources and outmaneuvering others.

Chaos Value: 3,9/5, there is an acceptable amount of chaos in the game, the blasted robber is a menace and players get a fair amount of chances to screw up the plans of other players.

Replayability: 4,3/5 ‘The hexagonal board changes each time, so there’s always variety. But honestly, I’d replay it just to perfect my resource hoarding tactics.’

Toasty then turned to Narratron and spoke his well rehearsed closing comment “If you enjoyed our mishaps, action, and review, why not keep the adventures alive? Follow us on social media @ToastersReviewGames, support us on Patreon for exclusive untold stories, casual chatting, and early access, or grab Catan through our Amazon link where we get some commission, either for yourself or maybe as a gift? Because every crumb of support helps us keep the toast popping and the reviews rolling!”